Nestlé sets up subsidiary NesPharmá to manufacture Dihydrogen-Monoxide as therapeutic
Dec. 10, 2019 Updated 10:40 p.m. ET
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND — Nestlé announced today the formation of a new subsidiary called NesPharmá, which will pursue Nestlé’s vision of developing new pharmaceuticals. The formerly secretive department is now going public with its first offering, a commercial version of dihydrogen monoxide.
“Our Addictive Substances department has seen fantastic success over the last century with our flagship Chocolatology initiatives, but we can’t ride that success forever. After discussing it last week with the board, we have decided to advance into pharmaceuticals by setting up the NesPharmá subsidiary,” Nestlé said in a press release last week.
“We at Nestlé pride ourselves on the ability to commercialize any natural resource, so NesH2O just felt like a natural fit. We know you’ll be as thrilled to use this new product as we were to develop it.” Nestlé was able to solve the crystal structure of H2O in just 14 months, a quick win relative to other crystallography projects.
Though food supplements pass FDA review more easily than therapeutics, Nestlé has opted to register NesH2O as a therapeutic. Nestlé’s Director of Deliciousness Studies Jolene Crabmuggins explains: “Dihydrogen monoxide can be a dangerous compound if not treated carefully, and we have no intention of contributing to the 3,000 deaths per year due to its misuses such as drowning, ice-bucket challenges, and thin lake ice that our brothers fall through, causing us to go deaf in one ear during rescue. We have carefully titrated the volume of each vial to avoid accidental overdose and intoxication, and although the therapeutic route will be more expensive, we can just raise prices for consumers and pass that along to the FDA as a bribe. You did say this was off the record, right?”
Nestlé plans to market NesH2O at CVS and Walgreen’s stores next summer. The drug will be distributed in a normal 10ml vial or family-size 10.5ml vial, with promotional retail pricing of $5 and $7, respectively.
Nestlé is also negotiating with insurance companies to provide coverage for NesH2O. So far, 15 US insurance providers have agreed to give patients $1 coverage per vial as part of a new plan offering an out-of-pocket maximum of $85,000, a coalition of over six in-network pharmacies nationwide, and a rebate system hailed by NASA as “literally more complex than rocket science.” The product will be available for free in Canada and Mexico.
Nestlé expects the dihydrogen monoxide franchise to provide long-term recurring cashflows and is adopting an aggressive posture toward product iteration. Nestlé’s CEO explains: “we captured magic with dihydrogen monoxide; however, we intend to work to reduce side effects such as urination, wet-mouth, and sweating during exercise. We’ve already begun testing on Diet H2O, which removes the fattening oxygen, leaving behind only what’s elemental. As soon as the flames die down in our mouse model, we plan to file an NDA.”